Hallelujah, I am still alive and kicking!

I have kept the same job/career for 18 months now. Longer than I have stayed/not released anywhere except for delivering pizzas.

Doing better than ever. I have been employed with a technology company since last November, working full time in the Spanish department. Ivy my 5th child was born 18 months ago.

p-doc

Going to see a p-doc this morning after a 3 year hiatus. I will let you know how it went.

4 Weeks from Baby Girl Freeman

Alison and I are expecting our 1st child (my 5th). What a joyous event it shall be. My health has progressively improved. Rare are the days that I have anxiety that debilitates.

If a doctor were to look at my resume. They would have to ask if i had the challenge of bipolar in my life (chuckle). Laughing is almost always better than crying.

I had 3.5 hours of sleep. Not good but I think it was more due to trying to sleep with a very pregnant hence uncomfortable sweet wife.

Wow!!!!

Not a bad day since August 15th. I am not sure why but sooooo very greatful. Maybe this has something to do with it. http://joe-ali.blogspot.com/

Why?

I just don't know why. It isn't mine to figure out, just to fight each day and work as hard as I can. I have a medical condition known as bipolar disorder. I am not bipolar. I am Joe Freeman and this struggle might be with me my whole life but it isn't me. I am Joe. Giving in or giving up isn't the answer. My God loves me, my family loves me and I love me too.

Hey I am back.

Since my last post many things have happened and I don't know just how to describe it. Some things were good and other were not.

A challenge for a bipolar person is to now when they are going down or up and fight w/pdocs, exercise, sleep patterns and so on. This too will pass is something that I tell myself often and I have to because being bipolar isn't easy. It is the toughest challenge that I have ever taken on (I really had no choice.). I am going to have to fight it till I reach 100 years of age.

I have been working hard to make things up for my kids. A divorce is the last thing imaginable but my kids are great and need my love. It definitely wasn't their fault. I love each and everyone of them. Zack 15, Zoey & Zane 11, Quinn 7.

Sometimes.....

Sometimes you just have to say "What the hell!" kinda like saying "can I get an AMEN?". The life of a bipolar person is never steady. This is rule #1. After hours, days & months of ready bipolar blogs I can tell you that even the most cared for patient cannot be controlled or be steady. We all want to fire our p-doc and see if this new doc has the answers for me. They don't and we continue going up and down.
Oh how I pray for a cure. It has destoyed everything I love. Life is too short not to atleast have control of ones self. Choa.

My Christmas Gift

5 - My Mood Score - Right were it is suppose to be. Due to the heavy blogging activity one might be able to tell that I have not felt well. Since the end of August things have not been right. Since Christmas Eve I have felt a ton better because I had a drug change. I am still on 900 mg of Lithium Er but now I take 4 mg of Perphenazine. But wait because the Lithium is playing havoc with my thyroid I have to take 25 mcg Levothyroxine. Whew! What next right. Oh yeah the Lithium gives me tremors in my hands, not all the time just enough to bug you.

Fighting bipolar gives me unique challenges. My roll and duty as a husband and father is to provide for my family. This request or expectation should be easy enough but when the depression battle ensues typically jobs are lost and money is non existent. Resumes then have too many changes in a five or ten year period and they think you are just a big flake when trying to get a job or career to take care of your family.

I love sales. I enjoy every part, from prospecting new client to developing great relationships. My worry is always that I will lose my current position. Then I will have to take a step back from sales and just find something that isn't gonna require me to be "on" all the time. These types of positions usually don't pay as much and then I of course will have to find a 2nd job as well. This is always good for the human spirit. Getting a job that you don't like and then never having free time because of the 2nd job that you don't like either.

That sounds like a recipe for a disastrous depression. Right? Well thank goodness that my boss and company have been understanding. I have no idea why but I am very grateful and thank my Heavenly Father daily for being so blessed. Chao for now.

Hell! The last 2 months.

3- I haven't written in 2 months because I didn't have anything good to share. I am really struggling with depression. I usually have to just wait for it to go away after 3-5 days like it normally does but this time it is different.
I spent 4 long days @ the St. Lukes Behavioral Health Clinic. I checked myself in after some very disturbing suicidal thoughts, plans & actions scared KJ & I. This was a first for the thoughts & a hospital stay for my head.
I cannot describe it. Thank goodness that I don't have any chemical dependency issues. Tackling bipolar affective disorder is tough enough but for my first 3 days I was in the Chemical Dependency/Psych area because there was not enough room for me in just the Psych area. I saw people, with the help of meds, getting off cocaine, heroine, crack & alcohol. All four of these drugs had their claws in these, my brothers & sisters so hard that they were all suffering immensely. I got some help from the p-doc but I really lost myself by talking with people. Their stories were unbelievable and probably too personal to repeat.
Things still aren't right but I am better & my first psych appointment is on Nov 4th & hopefully we can do some tweaking of my meds (Tegretol XR 200mg am & 400mg pm) and I can be back to my old self. Chao for now.

Last Three Days

1-2 The last 3 days have been some bad days. I got all glassy-eyed and my wife knew that she was loosing me. I didn't take my kids to church. I basically shut down. Thank goodness that I don't have the suicidal tendencies. I truly have been blessed not to have that along side my depressive times.

Life is so very precious that we all need to be our best, work our hardest and love our loved ones because you never know when it will be your last.

I literally just crawl up inside myself and just become an observer. I slept, felt worthless and also felt that everyone would be better without me. One change this last time different than last December is that I would keep on saying to myself, "this will pass and then I can be back to myself again" "hurry up and pass". This knowledge that it wasn't a forever thing and that I knew that I wouldn't feel like this forever gave me some true hope.

I worried my wife and kids to death though. I know it isn't fair to cause them all this pain and worry about me. I still need to find a good d.o. and p.doc that will run the nutrition test and work with me trying to silence this challenge on a natural basis. I do not like the side effects from drugs and I think that sometimes the side effects are worse than what they are trying to cure.

Vemma has still been the best thing that I have found. It has made my highs and lows much more manageable. Chao for now!

6 In the past when I wasn't feeling well & didn't want to lie on my blog I just didn't post. Since I have been feeling so well I thought I had better try like a diary and keep track of my moods everyday. I know that I haven't talked about anything else but the website and login info are there because in 10 min you can get a better idea of what Vemma does and how it works. Being a liquid it is instantly bio-available and is absorbed at a rate of about 95%. Hugely different than the 20% or so that pills are and you don't have to choke them down. The news link has the entire double blind study at the very end of the pages. Check it out, you will be glad you did.

www.joinverve.com

user name: verve
password: freedom

Singing & Whistling

6 Two days ago on my way to work I just started singing and whistling. Not at the same time of course but off and on. Now when that happens, I know I am at my best. Not too high but just right. I have sung with a barbershop choir in the past and loved it. Unfortunately when I am not feeling well I cannot sing. So I consider this a really good sign.

I also woke up at 4am this morning and have been busy ever since. When I have a hypomania my heart races at about 140-150 bpm but this morning it is about 89 bpm. No racing thoughts. Just feeling really good.

Now if the amazing liquid dietary supplement that I am taking can make me feel this good. How would I feel if instead of weighing 235 lbs. I would actually exercise and get myself down to 170-180 lbs. That ofcourse is still a dream because if it were a goal then it would be written down and broken down with a proper plan of action.

These are my wife's thoughts pulled from our http://www.healthyhomejob.com/ site and thought it was pertinent to share.

When something changes your life I think you have an obligation to share it.
On June 22nd, 2008 we were introduced to this product Vemma from some friends who had become independent representatives for this company and wanted to know if we were interested in the business opportunity. Well I pride myself in not taking part in network marketing companies but Joe wanted to try the product and I have been looking at bringing in other streams of income into our family. So we decided to try the product because we trusted our friends and wanted to join ventures with them. We had no idea the affect it was going to have on Joe. As you may know Joe was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder two years ago, but I can remember as far back as 15 years ago that something was wrong. Two years ago we got an official diagnosis. Over the last 15 years he has had depressive episodes rather frequently. In the past two years he has lived in a constant state of depression at one level or another. Well three days into taking Vemma the cloud was lifted and he hasn't had a depressive episode since.

I am not suggesting that this liquid vitamin is a cure all (I know better and would never make promises like that). But I will tell you that I have increasingly since our enrollment gotten my husband back and I couldn't be happier.

I feel like with news like that you have to share it. We have heard many more health results from our friends and really believe this product is worth sharing. Yes, it will also make you extra money with some effort, but the product alone is worth any amount of money that it cost.

If you are interested in changing either the health or financial part of your life please contact as so we can get you more information and get you on the path to wellness and wealth.

Love you! Chao for now!

So Far So Good!

6 Last week I sold more chemicals for my day job than I had ever sold before. My highs haven't been very high and my lows aren't very low at all. I think I am feeling normal again all thanks to VEMMA = Vitamins, Essential Vitamins, Mangosteen, Aloe vera. Because it is in a 2 oz liquid form it is absorbed much more completely and within just 3 days I really noticed a difference. 8-22 will be 60 days on VEMMA and I know my wife is always waiting for the next shoe to drop but so far so good.

Too Sensitive!!!!! Just Jump In and Swim!

4-6 My wonderful wife agreed a couple of years ago to be my gauge. In other words, she being the closest person to me and very aware of everything around her like a temperature gauge, she would tell me when she sees signs of me going to hypomania or depression so that I could get an early jump on things and try to change the course of my individual boat. Since my diagnosis of depression then the bipolar diagnosis I have been tooooooo dad gum sensitive about my own feelings. It is like I put my big toe in the water of the pool before making any decisions on how I am going to live my life that day. If the water is cold then I coil up and say "Oooooooooooooooh Nooooooooooooooo that water is too cold to swim in (function in real life) and then I start doing all this stupid negative self talk.

Positive self talk is great for pulling one self out the muck but the negative stuff just about knocks me out for the whole day. The negative self talk steps into the ring and the positive self talk steps into the ring. Both fighters come to the center knock gloves and there is the bell. Negative plays dirty and hits below the belt, positive goes down but then he gets right back up before he gets to 4. The fight sometimes goes on all day and I just get so tired of it that I want to go to bed just to have a chance at having to check the temperature of the pools water tomorrow in hopes that it will be warm(hypomania) so that I can swim all day.

By blogging this senario I just got hit in the head with a 2 by 4 and positive self talk just said quit using your toe! Just jump in and swim everyday. Everyone else in in the pool(functioning, working, living) Jump In and Swim!

Wow What a Feeling!

For over a week now I have been taking VEMMA (pronounced veema) a liquid 2oz product. VEMMA comes from Vitamins, Essential Minerals, Mangosteen, Aloe vera. I tried the product out for 2 days and felt such a difference that I became an independant rep so I could also sell it. This is not a sales pitch. I have trully felt like my old self again and don't have the anxiety or depression like I have experience over the last 3 years. Yes I know that it has only been 9 days but I am willing to do just about anything to be able to feel like this and it is really quite reasonable for a 30 day supply. It has 43 xanthones in it and isn't gonna cure anything. But it will make you healthier, feel better and make you happier. I have shared it will several of my friends locally and received great responses back from everyone. Try it for 30 days. You don't have anything to loose and everything to gain.

http://www.myvemma.com/joefreeman

Please tell me what you think.

5.5 I felt pretty good yesterday and even played tennis w/Zack @ 5 am. This morning I did crunches, jumping jacks and high stepped all around the house for 30 min. I cannot just exist anymore because I have too many people counting on me. This has definitely taken its toll on my sweet wife and positive changes have to be made. Luckily I am still ranked as the #1 rookie with my company which means job stability and that means allot to my wife.
Chao for now.

Yesterday was horrible. I was uncooperative, mean and very distant. I am married to a great woman. I surely don't deserve her. I cannot cut this life short nor can I cut the marriage. I do not know how she puts up with me and my downs...

Hypo-Mania

5-6 Over the last few days I have been trying to figure out when the last time that I experienced an hypo-mania. I know that 5 wks ago was my last bout with depression. I have been praying hard for it to be removed or lessened & I did receive a blessing from my bishop. I cannot forget the many family members that also fasted for me @ the beginning of April as well. It is probably a combination of both.
This then is a THANK YOU to all those who have kept my family and I in your prayers.
The problem with mania is that what goes UP must come DOWN & although I love the ups I truly want to rid myself of the downs. One cannot exist without the other so I regretfully but willingly want to do everything in my power to remove the ups. I regretfully haven't been very strict on my diet & non existent with my exercise except for weekly tennis lessons with Zack & Zoey.
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU ! Chao for now!

The Purpose of Life

4-6 What is the purpose of life? My wife's Aunt Vickie passed away on Tues. April 15th. KJ got a call right after her workout on Monday and her liver and other organs had failed and she was filling with fluids. What a fighter. She fought a great fight and and almost had it beat. I fortunately got to spend some great time with and I will never forget what an incredible woman, mother and aunt she was. She opened up her house for our wedding reception/open house over 15 years ago. My kids loved her to death and I will always remember the card games and scrabble that we played on holidays.

Aunt Vickie did tell my wife something while fighting the MDS that attacked her blood/immune system. "You never know when your last day is so live everyday like your last and appreciate it."

Over 60 days in the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix. Feisty, no one ever got one over on her and she always had the last word. I am so grateful that you could be a part of my wife, kids and my life. We will always remember and love you.

This life is but a test. It may seem unfair, too difficult or just plain not worth it, but it is. What we do here matters. Our relationships and how we treat others are so important that we were given the opportunity to prove to our Heavenly Father that we could choose between good and evil and follow the example of our Savior Jesus Christ. Nothing else really matters. The rest just fills in the holes and cracks along the way. So spend your time accordingly.

I Love You! Nothing is too hard to overcome and I say this often "This too will pass".

Chao for now!