It is 3am.

It is 3am 2 days after Christmas. Wide awake and unable to shut down. The old head is firing shots at every angle in a 3 dimensional war to keep me up.

Sorry, I will be using this as my outlet. Never been very good at writing in a journal but maybe I was born for blogging. Had to step away for a moment to wipe some tears and here they come again... If no one reads this that is perfectly fine by me for it is not really anything more than an outlet as a for mentioned. If for some crazy reason and I use that term loosely that FAMILY, FRIENDS or PASSERSBY get something out of this. Well, I guess that might be permissible also.

Bipolar - a wild word that I was hit in the head with back in Sept. of 2006. KJ, my wife, thinks that now that we have a name for it, the symptoms, excuses or outward displays have actually gotten worse. She is probably right. I don't want to dwell on the past 20 years but I may mention things in the past as platforms to learn from in the future.

To learn more try this. http://www.mixednuts.net/home.html Great name but a great place to start if you want to learn more about depression or bipolar disorder.

Ether 12:27

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I do believe these incredible and powerful words. This then will be my MANTRA! Definitely the best part for me is the last were it says "THEN WILL I MAKE WEAK THINGS BECOME STRONG UNTO THEM." What a blessing it is to know that I have a FATHER IN HEAVEN that loves me and with his help I can overcome this disorder. It might not come till long in the hereafter but it will come. I just have to be humble have faith and work like the dickens to do everything in my power to control things like triggers and how I react to what is going on inside my head.

I have never had any serious thoughts of suicide. Another huge blessing... sorry those tears just keep on rolling down my face. Let me go ahead and describe what I experience and my poor family gets the other side of this experience which isn't any better.
- My moods swing between hypomania which makes me feel like superman and depression, or both pols of the mood spectrum. For future reference I will desribe my moods daily with a number. 10 = mania which puts people in the hospital, never experienced that, to 0 which is on the other side with thoughts/acts of suicide. My goal is to stay between 4 and 6.

I start out with an episode of hypomania about a 8.5/9 and have a million thoughts running through my head and not able to do any one of them because another thought comes in and knocks out the one I was just about to write down. My heart rate is normally @ 115 bpm and not an ache in my body. Energy for anything and everything is right at my fingertips and I will not tire until 40 or 48 hours have passed. Then in 4 to 5 short hours I am up again felling very similar with one exception. I will be able to sleep atleast by 1am the next night. This normally goes on for 2 to 4 weeks before normaling out. After 4 to 6 weeks of normal, on my number chart between 4 & 6, I slowly slide down until I am just about unable to function. I feel like a zombie and want to avoid human contact at all costs. The worst of it lasts 3 days or so but the entire process is probably 2 to 4 weeks time as well. Then I'm back on top of the world again and I cannot understand why everyone else just cannot go with my flow.

Now that would be quiet silly due to the fact that a train has a hard time getting anywere if it is always between running full blast and stop. It is 5 am now and I need a break. Chao for now!