Why?

I just don't know why. It isn't mine to figure out, just to fight each day and work as hard as I can. I have a medical condition known as bipolar disorder. I am not bipolar. I am Joe Freeman and this struggle might be with me my whole life but it isn't me. I am Joe. Giving in or giving up isn't the answer. My God loves me, my family loves me and I love me too.

Hey I am back.

Since my last post many things have happened and I don't know just how to describe it. Some things were good and other were not.

A challenge for a bipolar person is to now when they are going down or up and fight w/pdocs, exercise, sleep patterns and so on. This too will pass is something that I tell myself often and I have to because being bipolar isn't easy. It is the toughest challenge that I have ever taken on (I really had no choice.). I am going to have to fight it till I reach 100 years of age.

I have been working hard to make things up for my kids. A divorce is the last thing imaginable but my kids are great and need my love. It definitely wasn't their fault. I love each and everyone of them. Zack 15, Zoey & Zane 11, Quinn 7.

Sometimes.....

Sometimes you just have to say "What the hell!" kinda like saying "can I get an AMEN?". The life of a bipolar person is never steady. This is rule #1. After hours, days & months of ready bipolar blogs I can tell you that even the most cared for patient cannot be controlled or be steady. We all want to fire our p-doc and see if this new doc has the answers for me. They don't and we continue going up and down.
Oh how I pray for a cure. It has destoyed everything I love. Life is too short not to atleast have control of ones self. Choa.

My Christmas Gift

5 - My Mood Score - Right were it is suppose to be. Due to the heavy blogging activity one might be able to tell that I have not felt well. Since the end of August things have not been right. Since Christmas Eve I have felt a ton better because I had a drug change. I am still on 900 mg of Lithium Er but now I take 4 mg of Perphenazine. But wait because the Lithium is playing havoc with my thyroid I have to take 25 mcg Levothyroxine. Whew! What next right. Oh yeah the Lithium gives me tremors in my hands, not all the time just enough to bug you.

Fighting bipolar gives me unique challenges. My roll and duty as a husband and father is to provide for my family. This request or expectation should be easy enough but when the depression battle ensues typically jobs are lost and money is non existent. Resumes then have too many changes in a five or ten year period and they think you are just a big flake when trying to get a job or career to take care of your family.

I love sales. I enjoy every part, from prospecting new client to developing great relationships. My worry is always that I will lose my current position. Then I will have to take a step back from sales and just find something that isn't gonna require me to be "on" all the time. These types of positions usually don't pay as much and then I of course will have to find a 2nd job as well. This is always good for the human spirit. Getting a job that you don't like and then never having free time because of the 2nd job that you don't like either.

That sounds like a recipe for a disastrous depression. Right? Well thank goodness that my boss and company have been understanding. I have no idea why but I am very grateful and thank my Heavenly Father daily for being so blessed. Chao for now.

Hell! The last 2 months.

3- I haven't written in 2 months because I didn't have anything good to share. I am really struggling with depression. I usually have to just wait for it to go away after 3-5 days like it normally does but this time it is different.
I spent 4 long days @ the St. Lukes Behavioral Health Clinic. I checked myself in after some very disturbing suicidal thoughts, plans & actions scared KJ & I. This was a first for the thoughts & a hospital stay for my head.
I cannot describe it. Thank goodness that I don't have any chemical dependency issues. Tackling bipolar affective disorder is tough enough but for my first 3 days I was in the Chemical Dependency/Psych area because there was not enough room for me in just the Psych area. I saw people, with the help of meds, getting off cocaine, heroine, crack & alcohol. All four of these drugs had their claws in these, my brothers & sisters so hard that they were all suffering immensely. I got some help from the p-doc but I really lost myself by talking with people. Their stories were unbelievable and probably too personal to repeat.
Things still aren't right but I am better & my first psych appointment is on Nov 4th & hopefully we can do some tweaking of my meds (Tegretol XR 200mg am & 400mg pm) and I can be back to my old self. Chao for now.

Last Three Days

1-2 The last 3 days have been some bad days. I got all glassy-eyed and my wife knew that she was loosing me. I didn't take my kids to church. I basically shut down. Thank goodness that I don't have the suicidal tendencies. I truly have been blessed not to have that along side my depressive times.

Life is so very precious that we all need to be our best, work our hardest and love our loved ones because you never know when it will be your last.

I literally just crawl up inside myself and just become an observer. I slept, felt worthless and also felt that everyone would be better without me. One change this last time different than last December is that I would keep on saying to myself, "this will pass and then I can be back to myself again" "hurry up and pass". This knowledge that it wasn't a forever thing and that I knew that I wouldn't feel like this forever gave me some true hope.

I worried my wife and kids to death though. I know it isn't fair to cause them all this pain and worry about me. I still need to find a good d.o. and p.doc that will run the nutrition test and work with me trying to silence this challenge on a natural basis. I do not like the side effects from drugs and I think that sometimes the side effects are worse than what they are trying to cure.

Vemma has still been the best thing that I have found. It has made my highs and lows much more manageable. Chao for now!

6 In the past when I wasn't feeling well & didn't want to lie on my blog I just didn't post. Since I have been feeling so well I thought I had better try like a diary and keep track of my moods everyday. I know that I haven't talked about anything else but the website and login info are there because in 10 min you can get a better idea of what Vemma does and how it works. Being a liquid it is instantly bio-available and is absorbed at a rate of about 95%. Hugely different than the 20% or so that pills are and you don't have to choke them down. The news link has the entire double blind study at the very end of the pages. Check it out, you will be glad you did.

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