Sometimes.....

Sometimes you just have to say "What the hell!" kinda like saying "can I get an AMEN?". The life of a bipolar person is never steady. This is rule #1. After hours, days & months of ready bipolar blogs I can tell you that even the most cared for patient cannot be controlled or be steady. We all want to fire our p-doc and see if this new doc has the answers for me. They don't and we continue going up and down.
Oh how I pray for a cure. It has destoyed everything I love. Life is too short not to atleast have control of ones self. Choa.

My Christmas Gift

5 - My Mood Score - Right were it is suppose to be. Due to the heavy blogging activity one might be able to tell that I have not felt well. Since the end of August things have not been right. Since Christmas Eve I have felt a ton better because I had a drug change. I am still on 900 mg of Lithium Er but now I take 4 mg of Perphenazine. But wait because the Lithium is playing havoc with my thyroid I have to take 25 mcg Levothyroxine. Whew! What next right. Oh yeah the Lithium gives me tremors in my hands, not all the time just enough to bug you.

Fighting bipolar gives me unique challenges. My roll and duty as a husband and father is to provide for my family. This request or expectation should be easy enough but when the depression battle ensues typically jobs are lost and money is non existent. Resumes then have too many changes in a five or ten year period and they think you are just a big flake when trying to get a job or career to take care of your family.

I love sales. I enjoy every part, from prospecting new client to developing great relationships. My worry is always that I will lose my current position. Then I will have to take a step back from sales and just find something that isn't gonna require me to be "on" all the time. These types of positions usually don't pay as much and then I of course will have to find a 2nd job as well. This is always good for the human spirit. Getting a job that you don't like and then never having free time because of the 2nd job that you don't like either.

That sounds like a recipe for a disastrous depression. Right? Well thank goodness that my boss and company have been understanding. I have no idea why but I am very grateful and thank my Heavenly Father daily for being so blessed. Chao for now.

Hell! The last 2 months.

3- I haven't written in 2 months because I didn't have anything good to share. I am really struggling with depression. I usually have to just wait for it to go away after 3-5 days like it normally does but this time it is different.
I spent 4 long days @ the St. Lukes Behavioral Health Clinic. I checked myself in after some very disturbing suicidal thoughts, plans & actions scared KJ & I. This was a first for the thoughts & a hospital stay for my head.
I cannot describe it. Thank goodness that I don't have any chemical dependency issues. Tackling bipolar affective disorder is tough enough but for my first 3 days I was in the Chemical Dependency/Psych area because there was not enough room for me in just the Psych area. I saw people, with the help of meds, getting off cocaine, heroine, crack & alcohol. All four of these drugs had their claws in these, my brothers & sisters so hard that they were all suffering immensely. I got some help from the p-doc but I really lost myself by talking with people. Their stories were unbelievable and probably too personal to repeat.
Things still aren't right but I am better & my first psych appointment is on Nov 4th & hopefully we can do some tweaking of my meds (Tegretol XR 200mg am & 400mg pm) and I can be back to my old self. Chao for now.

Last Three Days

1-2 The last 3 days have been some bad days. I got all glassy-eyed and my wife knew that she was loosing me. I didn't take my kids to church. I basically shut down. Thank goodness that I don't have the suicidal tendencies. I truly have been blessed not to have that along side my depressive times.

Life is so very precious that we all need to be our best, work our hardest and love our loved ones because you never know when it will be your last.

I literally just crawl up inside myself and just become an observer. I slept, felt worthless and also felt that everyone would be better without me. One change this last time different than last December is that I would keep on saying to myself, "this will pass and then I can be back to myself again" "hurry up and pass". This knowledge that it wasn't a forever thing and that I knew that I wouldn't feel like this forever gave me some true hope.

I worried my wife and kids to death though. I know it isn't fair to cause them all this pain and worry about me. I still need to find a good d.o. and p.doc that will run the nutrition test and work with me trying to silence this challenge on a natural basis. I do not like the side effects from drugs and I think that sometimes the side effects are worse than what they are trying to cure.

Vemma has still been the best thing that I have found. It has made my highs and lows much more manageable. Chao for now!

6 In the past when I wasn't feeling well & didn't want to lie on my blog I just didn't post. Since I have been feeling so well I thought I had better try like a diary and keep track of my moods everyday. I know that I haven't talked about anything else but the website and login info are there because in 10 min you can get a better idea of what Vemma does and how it works. Being a liquid it is instantly bio-available and is absorbed at a rate of about 95%. Hugely different than the 20% or so that pills are and you don't have to choke them down. The news link has the entire double blind study at the very end of the pages. Check it out, you will be glad you did.

www.joinverve.com

user name: verve
password: freedom

Singing & Whistling

6 Two days ago on my way to work I just started singing and whistling. Not at the same time of course but off and on. Now when that happens, I know I am at my best. Not too high but just right. I have sung with a barbershop choir in the past and loved it. Unfortunately when I am not feeling well I cannot sing. So I consider this a really good sign.

I also woke up at 4am this morning and have been busy ever since. When I have a hypomania my heart races at about 140-150 bpm but this morning it is about 89 bpm. No racing thoughts. Just feeling really good.

Now if the amazing liquid dietary supplement that I am taking can make me feel this good. How would I feel if instead of weighing 235 lbs. I would actually exercise and get myself down to 170-180 lbs. That ofcourse is still a dream because if it were a goal then it would be written down and broken down with a proper plan of action.

These are my wife's thoughts pulled from our http://www.healthyhomejob.com/ site and thought it was pertinent to share.

When something changes your life I think you have an obligation to share it.
On June 22nd, 2008 we were introduced to this product Vemma from some friends who had become independent representatives for this company and wanted to know if we were interested in the business opportunity. Well I pride myself in not taking part in network marketing companies but Joe wanted to try the product and I have been looking at bringing in other streams of income into our family. So we decided to try the product because we trusted our friends and wanted to join ventures with them. We had no idea the affect it was going to have on Joe. As you may know Joe was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder two years ago, but I can remember as far back as 15 years ago that something was wrong. Two years ago we got an official diagnosis. Over the last 15 years he has had depressive episodes rather frequently. In the past two years he has lived in a constant state of depression at one level or another. Well three days into taking Vemma the cloud was lifted and he hasn't had a depressive episode since.

I am not suggesting that this liquid vitamin is a cure all (I know better and would never make promises like that). But I will tell you that I have increasingly since our enrollment gotten my husband back and I couldn't be happier.

I feel like with news like that you have to share it. We have heard many more health results from our friends and really believe this product is worth sharing. Yes, it will also make you extra money with some effort, but the product alone is worth any amount of money that it cost.

If you are interested in changing either the health or financial part of your life please contact as so we can get you more information and get you on the path to wellness and wealth.

Love you! Chao for now!

So Far So Good!

6 Last week I sold more chemicals for my day job than I had ever sold before. My highs haven't been very high and my lows aren't very low at all. I think I am feeling normal again all thanks to VEMMA = Vitamins, Essential Vitamins, Mangosteen, Aloe vera. Because it is in a 2 oz liquid form it is absorbed much more completely and within just 3 days I really noticed a difference. 8-22 will be 60 days on VEMMA and I know my wife is always waiting for the next shoe to drop but so far so good.